Reflexive and reciprocal pronouns in English: myself, yourself, each other, and when English does not bother

English has a full set of reflexive pronouns - myself, yourself, themselves and the rest - and then uses them far less than almost any language you might be coming from. If your first language says the equivalent of I wash myself every morning, this page is going to feel like a holiday. The rule set is small: when the action really does come back to the doer, use the reflexive; when English considers that obvious, leave it out; and never use a reflexive where two people are doing something to each other.

The forms

Two things to notice. Singular ends in -self, plural ends in -selves, and English keeps that distinction honest: one person is yourself, a room full of people is yourselves. And the set has exactly these eight members. Hisself and theirselves do not exist in standard English, however logical they would have been - the pattern mixes possessives (myself, yourself) and object forms (himself, themselves) and nobody asked for our opinion.

When you need the reflexive

Use it when the subject and the object are the same person:

• I cut myself while I was cooking.
• She taught herself to play the piano.
• He introduced himself to the new neighbours.
• We enjoyed ourselves at the party.
• The machine turns itself off at night.

Compare she taught her to swim - two different people - with she taught herself to swim - one person, doing both jobs. The pronoun choice is the only thing telling the listener who learned.

A few verbs are so fond of the reflexive that the pair is worth learning as a unit: enjoy yourself (have a good time), help yourself (take some without asking), behave yourself (stop being silly), make yourself at home.

When English does not bother

Here is the difference that catches almost every learner. With the ordinary actions of daily life - washing, shaving, dressing, feeling, moving your own body - English drops the reflexive, because doing these things to yourself is assumed:

• I got up, washed and dressed. (not washed myself, dressed myself)
• He shaves every morning.
• I feel terrible. (never I feel myself terrible)
• Relax. (not relax yourself)
• Concentrate. (not concentrate yourself)
• She sat down and hurried out. (no reflexive on either)

If your language needs a reflexive in these sentences, the habit will follow you into English. Resist it. I washed myself is grammatical, but it carries a signal you probably do not intend: that the washing was noteworthy, an achievement. Which is exactly when English does use it:

• He is only three, but he can dress himself.
• After the accident, she had to learn to feed herself again.

The reflexive marks the effort. No effort, no reflexive.

The emphatic use: I did it myself

The second job of these pronouns has nothing to do with grammar and everything to do with pride. Adding the reflexive after the verb phrase, or after the noun, means this person and nobody else:

• I painted the kitchen myself. (no painter was paid)
• She makes the bread herself.
• The manager himself came to say sorry. (a rare honour, apparently)
• The house itself is small, but the garden is huge.

Take the pronoun out and every one of these sentences still works; the reflexive is there purely to point. At the end of the sentence it praises the doer, straight after the noun it raises an eyebrow at how important the noun is. Both are common, both are worth having.

by myself means alone

By plus a reflexive means alone, or without help:

• She lives by herself. (alone)
• I fixed the car by myself. (nobody helped)
• The door opened by itself. (nobody touched it - time to leave)

On my own means the same and is at least as common in British English: she lives on her own. Keep the emphatic and the alone senses apart: I painted the kitchen myself says who did it; I painted the kitchen by myself adds that no one helped. Small difference, but it is the difference between pride and complaint.

each other, not themselves

When two or more people do the same thing to one another, English uses each other, and the reflexive would change the meaning:

• They looked at each other. (A looked at B, B looked at A)
• They looked at themselves. (each looked in the mirror)
• The two sisters phone each other every day.
• We told each other everything.

One another means the same as each other and sounds slightly more formal; nobody will notice which one you pick. Both take a possessive with no fuss: they borrowed each other's clothes.

The test, when you are unsure: split the sentence. They talk to each other splits into he talks to her and she talks to him - reciprocal, so each other. They blame themselves splits into he blames himself and she blames herself - each action stays with its owner, so the reflexive.

Common mistakes

Ranked by how often learners actually make them.

1. Reflexives on daily routines. I washed myself and dressed myself marks you as a learner instantly. I washed and dressed. English assumes you are the target of your own washing.
2. I feel myself well. Direct import from several languages, and it does not work: feel takes no reflexive in English. I feel well, I feel tired. The one idiom that looks similar is I am not feeling myself today, which means I am slightly unwell or out of sorts - there, myself is the thing you normally are, not the thing you are touching.
3. Themselves for each other. The two teams played themselves means each team somehow played against itself, which would be a strange afternoon. They played each other.
4. Hisself and theirselves. Neither exists. Himself, themselves - irregular, fixed, not up for negotiation.
5. Myself as a polite subject. My colleague and myself will attend is office English trying to sound formal. The subject is my colleague and I; the object is my colleague and me. Myself only belongs where the subject is also I: I did it myself.
6. By his own. A blend of by himself and on his own that takes the wrong half of each. Either he lives by himself or he lives on his own.

Practice

Complete each sentence, or decide whether nothing is needed. Answers are below.

1. She looked at ___ in the shop window.
2. The brothers have not spoken to ___ for years.
3. I got up and ___ washed. (add a pronoun, or nothing?)
4. Nobody helped them. They moved the piano ___.
5. He is old enough to make dinner ___ now.

Answers: 1. herself 2. each other 3. nothing - I got up and washed 4. by themselves 5. himself (or by himself, if the point is that no one helped)

Reflexives are half of the do-it-yourself story in English; the other half is paying someone else, which is causative have and get - I cut my hair myself against I had my hair cut. And when the doer disappears from the sentence entirely, you are in the passive voice.